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  • Henry Michael

My Worries 2019

As I grow older, I find myself inevitably consumed by worries. My therapist once taught me to structure my fears and insecurities into the form of a list, and though he later used this information to blackmail me, it nonetheless provided a useful framework for approaching my problems. In no particular order then, I have listed the thoughts and fears that are currently keeping me up at night:

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The NHS


It’s no secret that 2018’s been a particularly tough year for the NHS. We’ve already spent two thirds of the budget on Prince Phillip, and going on Love Island is now a more reliable way to access a doctor than A&E. Will the NHS turn a corner and survive another 25 years, like my grandma? Or be denied the cash injection it desperately needs, like those of us in her will? Working on the front-line can be stressful, but also uniquely rewarding - for example if a patient comes into A&E with a vibrator up their rectum, I get to keep it.


My housemates


Two of my housemates do not get along, and have the habit of unnecessarily winding each other up to the point of near-conflict. It’s very much like Trump and North Korea; just as the situation looks to have calmed down, Janelle says something provocative on twitter, and Darren reacts by inexplicably throwing things over the Japanese family’s house next door.


Being a lazy Christian


I feel guilty about my faith, as I am technically a Christian, but in the same way that some people are members of gyms and never actually go. Can I honestly say I follow the bible? I don’t covet my neighbour’s wife, but she is in her 80’s, and while I haven’t had a lot of sex before marriage, I certainly tried my best. I worry that when St Peter opens the gates of heaven it’ll be like university clearing, and I’ll have to wait until someone with a better application turns down their place. Also I’m not looking forward to Judgement Day because it sounds like a lot of queuing.


‘Winter Pressures’


This is the NHS term we use for “fuck me it’s all gone mental”, which is the extended period of time between October and February where all hell breaks loose, and A&E looks like that bit in World War Z where the zombies try and get over the wall. I’ll be working on ‘Acute Medicine’ this year, which is the hospital equivalent of being Jon Snow, muttering “Winter is Coming” and watching glumly as an unstoppable army of the near-dead make their way towards the hospital, complaining loudly


Fitness and social media


I hate people who boast about their fitness achievements on social media. My uncle broadcasts his Fitbit steps to his Facebook page, and seems to have become obsessed with late-night running, either that or he forgets to take it off while masturbating. Instagram is full of models trying to sell me their ‘magic weight loss secrets’, but I’m not needy or insecure enough to believe everything I read online. Especially with so many single women in my area keen to meet me.


Brexit


I can’t say I’m happy about Britain’s descent into isolationism and economic turmoil. But then again, I wasn’t a massive fan of La La Land either, so maybe I’m just a big grump. Can May negotiate a fair deal with Brussels? People are rightly dubious; with several high-profile resignations, the Tory government is now the largest collection of anonymous wankers since Chat Roulette, and probably the flimsiest thing to come out of Europe since the Ikea Mälm.


The environment


My vegan flatmate always lectures me on how meat-eaters are bad for the environment. He raises a good point, so I’ve started doing my bit by shutting off the heating and electricity to his room and free-letting his bike to all our neighbours. Now I can enjoy my imported veal steak without worrying.


Getting older


Turning 30 can be tough, because you begin to realise you’re not going to achieve all those things you dreamed about as a kid, like affording rent. Are the best years of my life behind me? My teenage years were one sex-fuelled fantasy after another, especially once we got Broadband - whereas now my hairline has receded so rapidly that if I hold my thumb in front of my iPhone screen, it recognises it as my face and unlocks.

------ I’m aware that these thought are poorly structured and of little consequence, but then again so are M Night Shyamalan’s films, and he still has a career.

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